Your I-Will-Never List
By Nels P. Highberg

Today is the third anniversary of my mother's death. Her birthday was two days ago, so it's no surprise that this is always a difficult time of year for me. We were very close, and there are still moments when I can't believe she is no longer a living, breathing part of my life. I will never be able to call her on Saturdays like I used to do, and I will never see her when I fly to my hometown in Texas for the holidays.

It might seem detrimental to focus on things that will never happen, and that would be true if it were all I focused on. There is value, though, in taking a moment to think of what we can never do. I'm not sure where I first heard of the "I Will Never" list. It was probably from someone's blog or Twitter feed, but I can't remember whose. I do remember reading about it quickly last summer and then not thinking much about it until one afternoon this past March when I was sitting at the Astor Place Starbucks in New York City with my paper journal and a few hours to sit, think, and write.Before I get into that afternoon of journaling, let me say what the list is all about. Many of us take the occasional moment now and then to wallow in self-pity, whining about the things that we can't or won't do, especially as we get older. Those fantasies we had in high school of traveling the world or becoming a famous movie star or living in a penthouse in Paris every summer turn out to be only fantasies. In our weakest moments, some of us let that reality get us down. I'm sure we all know people who seem to do nothing but complain about what they haven't done or can't do. Hidden underneath these things we probably will never do are a whole raft of other things that we could do if we just took a moment to recognize them. That's the point of the list. You write down the five, six, or ten things you will never do. Then, you follow them with a list of related things you can do. Instead of approaching life through an all-or-nothing mentality that tells us the inability to reach our dreams means we should abandon any related activity, this list is supposed to expose us to the things that are possible. Instead of centering our lives on what we can't do, we start to center them on what we can do.There are several things I noted in my journal that afternoon in New York City. I will never complete an Ironman Triathlon. But I could make the effort to complete a local triathlon. Or half-marathon. Or 5K. Or just make consistent visits to the gym. I will never have a solo show of my photography at any of my favorite Chelsea art galleries. But I could make the effort to submit my work to various group shows around the country. Or to different magazines or literary journals. Or just post a daily photo to my Flickr account. I will never fly around the world in one summer. But I could travel internationally every few years. Or visit every state in the United States throughout my life. Or just stop and pay more attention to local spots I normally ignore in my daily drives to and from campus.

I will never hug my mother again. Or my grandmother. Or my first partner. Or my best friend from college. But I will remember them. And write about them. And be grateful for the time I had with them. And I will continue living my life as the person they loved and taught me to be.What will you never do? And what can you still do about it?